28-08-01

Dear ---------------,

 Well and wish the same from you.

When I rang up the other day, I could talk to your wife. You were not present. I hope you got the message. I shall be arranging it very soon. I have been in touch with your father very often and getting to know about you. It seems you have not been keeping good health these days. Take care.

In this letter I would like to point out to you certain basic concepts of life. You might find some of my views to be boring or too pedagogical. This might end up as a long letter not coming under any grammar of a letter. There could be quite a few bitter remarks. Be prepared to take them in a positive manner. Take this just as my loud thoughts rather than advice or admonition. Every one almost faces certain critical times in the course of one's life. Based on my experience I can easily recall those times when I was in great agony. It is never a smooth sailing for any one in the world. It is easy to say things; but facing such a situation is not that easy. Even then I feel that this is the time when all our education, experience, moral values and elders' blessings should guide us. It is easy to give up and say that I am unable to face it. But if only you could come out of such a situation successfully, you can continue with your life in a smooth manner and help others at the time of their crises. In your case you are very unfortunate to get two phases clubbed together. Let me explain it. The hard facets of life are:

• When you are searching for a job after studies
• When you are married and face a financial crisis
• When you face problems because of your off-springs (children)

I got the first two at different times. But you have got it almost at the same time. In fact, you never had the first problem. I felt you to be very fortunate in that case as you did not have to wait for a job after your education. In fact, in my letter to you at that time, I wrote to you that I was happier at your getting a job rather than my getting a new placement and promotion. (That was the time I came to Gujarat as a PGT). When I got married and went to Gomia I did face the crisis of money. Even though I was earning enough and all my relatives were kind to me to be ready to help me in my need, I felt a sudden vacuum created in my financial level. As you know, I had always been very calculative about money and made sufficient plans. But that was the time that nothing could save me from my mental agony. I was feeling that something had deserted me and I was going to sink. With a person to support and being alone in such a far away place, I didn’t know what to do. My income was fixed and I couldn't tell your chitti that she must cut short all her expenses. You can't expect the housewife to run the house as a bachelor had done it. Even in small matters I got annoyance. I can quote a trivial point. The washing soap usage had gone up three times. All the same, things got settled in matter of months. I did come out of the crisis unscathed. The main thing was that I got mentally settled. It is a matter of mental adjustment.

In your case you are facing both the crisis together. You need to adjust to the new situation of a new, different person at home whose needs are very much varied. At the same time you feel guilty that you might become responsible for whatever adverse that happens to her. Please remember that nothing adverse is happening. It is part of life. Minor problems usually get solved on their own. The sincerity in your approach and willingness to accept things as they come is the major factor in solving such problems.

The other crisis is the financial or professional one. So far you were alone and everything depended on your own decision. But now you have to consider and respect the feelings of the others. When you become more responsible, you tend to be more matured. It is no use brooding over it. It is the simple law of nature.

But you should also not forget to realise your role in it. You must accept the fact that nothing has been thrust upon you. There could be quite a few external compulsions on you in certain matters but most developments were either the fruits of your own actions or perhaps the happenings after your approval.

For example, we did initiate your marriage proposal and went about working on it to find the best suitable chance. When it came, we did grab it. I don't think any one could have done better than your parents had done for you in this matter. Or rather, it is luck or God's grace that we had got the best possible solution to the problem. And to add to your advantage you were given sufficient time to plan your strategy or settle down mentally, professionally, financially and practically. (Mind you, my marriage was fixed within fifteen days and when I went back to Gomia I had to begin all over again.)

When I visited you in November I had told you to be ready with things. Of course, the negative aspect of the episode around is your dependence on others - be it your friends or your brother. (See the paradox of things - you start a business of your own only not to be dependent on any one and ultimately the very dependence has caused you all these problems.)

Anyhow, you are experiencing a very low tide at present which should not let all your spirits down. I know that money plays a very important role in our lives especially when it comes to settling down. Hence I was insisting that you work out your regular income well in advance. You never wanted to share with us what your regular - be it monthly or fortnightly income. Now your present predicament shows that you have not been so particular about it. I remember that I wrote to you long back on the concept of business. Business is directly proportionate to the money you put in and the number of hands and hours that are put into work. In both the cases you had the handicap. You know the condition of our family. All of us depend on our monthly income and we can't just deviate from the regular monetary calculations whereas business requires drastic variations in investment as well as income. That is the reason why I never felt comfortable with the very concept of business. At Ankleshwar I have enough experience of business though I am not directly affected.

It seems you have made up your mind to set things right. But for this purpose, you must come out of your vicious circle. You should get out of some of your convictions. It is not betrayal of other's faith nor is it the exploitation of others. You should be out of your ego. You may have to start all over again which means that you may have to start your new career at the least income that you get to begin with. You can't eat the cake and have it too. You have too many odds at your end. You shouldn't lose heart and secondly you must be ready to accept the practical truth around you. You have to struggle hard. In course of time you can look back at this lean period as just a dream.

Accept whatever comes your way. Wait patiently. Save as much as you can. Cut short all your acceptable expenses. Control your emotions. Go all out to seek a job with all determination. Don't go with a prejudiced idea. Knock at all the opportunities. My equation of getting a job is as follows:

• No of applications to be sent : 80
• No of interviews got : 30
• No of interviews attended : 10
• No of appointment opportunities : 3

This equation is for a second job I was trying after having settled and experienced. This may become more difficult for one who is desperately searching job and that too in dire need of it. So, have you applied so many places? Have you approached all the possible places? Have you approached any mineral water company personally? These days people prefer to approach them. Many of them do not advertise in the papers as each advertisement costs them a lot. Our school also has stopped advertising and has started floating news around for people to send the applications or meet in person. There are some placement services who register your name and bio data in their data base and send you call letters. Have you taken all these steps? Moreover, these processes take quite some time. Till that time you must be patient. I write all these, only to set you in the right path and not to discourage you or blame you.

I was under the impression that you were doing well in your business these days. For you had never mentioned to any one that this was so bad. You can't blame others for such a downfall. When your father told me that you were in need of money and that you were not doing well in business, I was in for a shock. You had been in business for more than four years. Let us see the normal expectation. You were three major partners. As it would go, if there were any problem the first thing to lay hands on was the personal income of all the partners. Let us assume that you were drawing an amount of Rs.5000/- per month. If there were any problem in the business you should have stopped part of the income and invested in business. It would have been in the vicinity of ten to twenty thousand. That should have settled the matter in two months or so. You should determine not to expect any major amount from others. It would be all right if you expected some amount to manage your family. In fact, I thought you were expecting some two to three thousand per month for your own expenses and I scolded your father and asked him to bear the expenses. But when he said that you expected some help for the business I couldn’t decide what to tell him. If you claim that you never got such an individual income of more than Rs.5000/- per person per month, you should have wound up the business within two years. Let this be your ultimate calculation. If you can't manage regular income after all the expenses, what is the fun of holding on to such business? Even if you had deposited all the capital in a bank you would be better off.

Now try to mend your ways. If you want some help for the family expenses, feel free to ask me. I can help you for some months. Forget about rebuilding the business by extra investment. Yours and others position in our family may not be very suitable for this. Already a lot of liabilities are there with your father. Perhaps he might have felt that one burden was over with your marriage. Now he must be worrying about Julie and of course Joe, the most burdensome case in the family. And of course, his own burden of the outstanding loans of the house and others. If I had known such a crisis for money, I would have suggested a simple marriage, saving all the extra amount for your business. I am a practical man. I would have done so. I would have suggested for a simple marriage and asked your father to give you money instead of all those hi-fi celebrations. Don’t think in one angle alone. Think all the other possibilities.

After all these bitter analysis, let me put things in a nutshell.

• I am getting some amount from Peerless in two installments. The total amount would be around Rs.20000/-
• I can send you the same as and when it comes.
• The practical expectation would be that it will be returned as and when you come out of the crisis. No time bar. No interest.
• Before long you search a job and join even if you get Rs.3000/- plus to begin with.
• Control your emotions and try to be practical

Best of Luck!

Yours lovingly,

(I.AUGUSTINE ANBANANTHAN)

28-08-2001

Note : I am sending this letter pouring out all my feelings without any edition. Please don't be hurt about the curt way I have written the letter. It may contain even grammar mistakes. It is not the letter of an English teacher. It is the letter of your loving 'Ippa'.

Dear ----------,

Well and wish the same from you.

How are you over there? I hope you have got adjusted to the new life. Here everyone is fine. Jane and Irwin remember you very often. They are fine. But they are not doing that well in their studies. Vimala athai is quite fine with her regular work. She is very busy at school as well at home. We all remember you and talk about you. How are others? How are your family members at Thuvakudi? I do get to know all the information from mama while he rings me up from Tolgate.

Please don't get upset at the minor setbacks that are occurring at present. Once Jayakantan had written a story 'Pudhu Cheruppu Kadikum'. Though he referred to some other problem of newly married life, it is true with all others that there would be problems in the beginning of one's new life. This is more applicable to the womenfolk. Perhaps this is the phase of life that demands more patience, adjustment and tolerance.

I think it is not fair on my part to go about advising you or loading with do's and don'ts. The very good plus point with you is that you are so docile and timid that you have got adjusted to the new life very fast and very easily. The few days that we were with you were more than enough to know your adjusting capabilities. The very good thing with you is the attachment with all people. You are basically a philanthropist who love mankind. This attitude in you has earned good name from all. All our family members soon began to consider you as one of the members just as you entered the family.

Well, all these good qualities do have the other side of the coin. Perhaps such nature of yours has made your husband feel guilty about himself and he shrinks to himself. He might be feeling that he is not able to do justice to you. He might have felt that when he was alone, his gains and losses were within himself and was able to face them with all courage. But now he will be forcing things upon you. This is exactly the part of bitter life. Life cannot always show up the rosy picture. You both must realise this. 'A travel of thousand miles begins with a single step.'

Coming to the practical point of view, encourage your husband in his endeavour. Try to be soft and convincing. When he is in a fit of anger or frustration, don't give your opinion. When he is cool and understanding, talk to him anything that you feel must be correct. Avoid talking about his weaknesses and his friends. Don't poke at his drawbacks either in his character or his career. Don't insist on your own point when he is not ready to listen to you. Give him more time to think on his own. Discuss the family problems freely. Control your family expenses. Try to live within your own resources. Gently but firmly refuse for any unnecessary expenses. Don't add any rarely used materials to your collection. You will find it very difficult to shift or move out at a later stage.

In the long journey that you are going what you have covered is a few metres and this is just the first section of your journey. Conserve all your energy for worse things to come. Don't lose heart. You will be successful one day. Positive bend of mind is the key to success. All the best!

Yours sincerely,